Today....

Where to even start?  These days are never good for me.  The days when the memories are crystal clear.  I cried on and off all day and am getting particularly good about hiding it.  On these days, I try my hardest to focus on what I need to be thankful for.  I’m thankful that I met Jonah.  It should have never happened. Dr. Michi shook his head and told me point blank – he didn’t know how Jonah was here.  No matter how short our days were together, many parents never get a day.  They never see their child wiggle, open their eyes, pucker their lips, and smile.  They never touch their pink skin or feel the warmth of their breath.  I’m thankful for the amazing miracle I witnessed.  Many times in my life, I have jokingly said, “it’s a miracle!” Or we’ve praised God for a miracle that we witnessed from a distance via friends and family.  I touched a miracle.  I held a miracle.  I’m thankful for God’s healing.  I know that’s shocking for a grieving mother to say.  God healed Jonah.  He didn’t heal him the way I had asked, night after night, in my prayers.  But He healed Jonah. On our last night, I asked for God’s will to be done in Jonah’s life and I begged him for a healing, regardless of the manner (it was the most unselfish moment in my life.)  I never even fell asleep after prayers before I was told to come hold him.  Jonah’s heart is completely whole now.  And for that, I am thankful.  I’m thankful for all the people Jonah brought into my life and for the friendship’s he solidified.  Forever and always, I will be grateful for the many people that were there for us, at all hours. 

I was reading a story, about a child asking his father, after the death of a young relative, why good people die too soon in their life.  The father made a sweet point. He said “son, if you were looking at a field of flowers, you’d only pick the prettiest ones.”

God bless you all and thank you for the support these past 5 years.

Goodbye.....but not really.....

It’s been almost five year and grief will still paralyze me.  I become trapped in it and I have to wait for it to pass.  Car rides were always the worst.  Alone. Music. Thoughts. And of course, tears.  It happened twice this week.  I find it unbearable to loose people in my life. Even for a temporary goodbye. Even if it’s just for four weeks. I didn’t want to leave my classmates.  And it’s not for four weeks, it’s longer than that.  We’ll be in clinicals all summer, away from each other. In August, we’ll be completely separated.  I’m sensitive to goodbyes. I despise them, even under the best of circumstances.

I cried at lunch with a few of my classmates.  We started talking about the Heart Walk, innocently enough.  I was laughing about Dr. Dyamenahalli on the tricycle, Dr. Eble’s dancing skills (or lack, thereof.)  Then I went into the last conversation I had with Dr. Dyamenahalli.  I hadn’t seen him in several years and he wasn’t one of my favorite doctors, by any stretch of the imagination.  You either like him or you don’t – there is no in between.   I’ve always been honest about my feelings toward him. But he was there with us.  Therefore, he mattered.  Try as he may, he always seemed a little less human to me.  He was emotionless and methodical.  One evening, after realizing I hadn’t seen my sweet baby awake since we’d left Ft. Smith,  he turned off all the lights, closed the curtains and attempted to wake Jonah up.  It worked.  And he earned a few extra popularity points in my book.  We would disagree from day to day but not as much as a certain other doctor.  I would pick my battles with him.  He was the doctor that had sat us down to tell us the end was near.  I was angry at the time.  I was resentful toward him.  I was letdown by the entire situation on so many different levels.

At the Heart Walk, he became human to me.  He was kind, sincere and quirky.  He was also gone.  He was leaving for Chicago.  Our first conversation in years was essentially our last.  He brought me to tears back in 2009, and our conversations can still bring me to tears today.  I’m glad he was at the Heart Walk.  Aside from Dr. Eble, he was the other constant in our Children’s stay. For the chance at this goodbye, I am thankful.

(However, I’d still take a big HELLO over any goodbye!)