It’s
been almost five year and grief will still paralyze me. I become trapped in it and I have to wait for
it to pass. Car rides were always the
worst. Alone. Music. Thoughts. And of
course, tears. It happened twice this
week. I find it unbearable to loose
people in my life. Even for a temporary goodbye. Even if it’s just for four
weeks. I didn’t want to leave my classmates.
And it’s not for four weeks, it’s longer than that. We’ll be in clinicals all summer, away from
each other. In August, we’ll be completely separated. I’m sensitive to goodbyes. I despise them,
even under the best of circumstances.
I
cried at lunch with a few of my classmates.
We started talking about the Heart Walk, innocently enough. I was laughing about Dr. Dyamenahalli on the
tricycle, Dr. Eble’s dancing skills (or lack, thereof.) Then I went into the last conversation I had
with Dr. Dyamenahalli. I hadn’t seen him
in several years and he wasn’t one of my favorite doctors, by any stretch of
the imagination. You either like him or
you don’t – there is no in between.
I’ve always been honest about my feelings toward him. But he was there with us. Therefore, he mattered. Try as he may, he always seemed a little less
human to me. He was emotionless and
methodical. One evening, after realizing
I hadn’t seen my sweet baby awake since we’d left Ft. Smith, he turned off all the lights, closed the
curtains and attempted to wake Jonah up.
It worked. And he earned a few
extra popularity points in my book. We
would disagree from day to day but not as much as a certain other doctor. I
would pick my battles with him. He was
the doctor that had sat us down to tell us the end was near. I was angry at the time. I was resentful toward him. I was letdown by the entire situation on so
many different levels.
At
the Heart Walk, he became human to me.
He was kind, sincere and quirky.
He was also gone. He was leaving
for Chicago. Our first conversation in
years was essentially our last. He brought
me to tears back in 2009, and our conversations can still bring me to tears
today. I’m glad he was at the Heart Walk. Aside from Dr. Eble, he was the other
constant in our Children’s stay. For the chance at this goodbye, I am thankful.
(However,
I’d still take a big HELLO over any goodbye!)
