28 Days

28 days without a single blog. It can mean one of two things… 1) I’ve been busy or 2) We’ve (collectively, as a family) have been boring. Let’s go with a mixture of both. The holidays (and all it entails: traveling, play practice, shopping, etc.) and basketball.

My Christmas was fantastic. I only had 1 thing (a stand mixer) on my list and I received many additional gifts that I never knew I wanted. Elijah had a large Christmas. He was still opening toys three to four days after Christmas. It’s during those times when I think I’ve failed as a mother most. Showering my child with gifts is the lowest I get as a mother. He did make my heart melt when he informed us that we could take away all his presents for a brother or a sister. I wish with all my heart that we could give Elijah that. Unfortunately, he had his brother and his brother passed away. We’ve always said Elijah has a brother and he will always have a brother. But that doesn’t do Elijah much good when he’s bored and wants someone to pick on, play with or wrestle with.

On to things that won’t make me cry while I type. I hate sitting at the computer, alone, crying. Hate it.

We did get one more awesome gift (that has made me cry many times) - Jonah’s name is going on the tribute wall in the lobby of Arkansas Children’s Hospital. Sometime in late January, early February - his name will be there. In the lobby. On the wall. Check it out!

One thing I’m going to do in the new year is just STOP. I’m going to take the time to enjoy every day instead of rushing through it and then wondering why Christmas came around so quickly again. I have been rushing through everything once I hit Jonah’s 1^st birthday. I figured the pain would be less if I would just get further and further away from it. That didn’t happen. And every day that went by made me want to go back to day 1. Time doesn’t heal the pain. It never will. Grief is a jumbled up mess of chaos. You can’t explain it. There is no typical manner in which to act. People can read books, try to analyze it but it will always be different, strange, odd and never comfortable. Awkward best describes grief for me.

I’m ready for spring…yes, already…I’m not stopping for winter. I tend to do that…always look forward…racing to the next thing that I “love.” My new year’s resolution (although I hate to call it that) is already broken. Day 5 of 2011 and I’m already a failure. I can accept that.

I wrote my prayers out at church this morning. It took me the whole church service to figure it all out. Shouldn’t prayers be easier? I felt foolish not having more than five and not having them spew out much easier. I had to go back to my daily prayers and comprehend what I want each day and spell it out slowly and short. I didn’t want to get too wordy on my prayers. I needed to keep it simple. God knows, right? At the end of church service, I walked forward and placed my prayer list on the stage. Turning around to see all the others walking slowly forward, carrying their white sheets of prayers, made me smile. We were all in the same place at that moment. Did we write our true prayers down? I walked away, realizing I didn’t put my name on the sheet. I shrugged to myself - silly, Wendy….God still knows.

I felt a sense of accomplishment walking out of church today. Church generally makes me feel like I can tackle the entire week ahead of me. It rejuvenates me. It does the same for Elijah. I wish everyone could feel that way.

And this is my life…my 2011 thus far.

Hopefully, as I slow down, life will get more exciting.