I’m blogging. It’s come to this. I don’t know to be happy or disappointed in myself over it all. Part of me dreads it - as I know some people will take it too seriously or read too much into it and I’ll get phone calls. Please understand this is just the lighter side of my life. I live a wonderful, fabulous, sometimes heartbreaking life. Normal, occasionally. Last night, as we were taking the short ride home from a football game, Elijah told us he was going to have a near-perfect life. Jason pointed out that no life is perfect, there are ups and downs, etc. Elijah smiled and said, “It’s still worth living.” Yes, that’s true, Elijah. Wise words from my 7-year old. One thing that I’ve learned from Elijah is to look at life through his eyes. Everything is black and white to him. There is no middle ground. My child has suffered this past year. He has suffered tremendously. I think few people realize that. Never forget that a child’s heart breaks just as easy as an adult, if not easier.
I’ve been married now, going on 10 years, to a man that makes me laugh everyday. He’s odd, at best but he has a large sense of humor and doesn’t take it all too seriously. He has values, morals and guns. He loves God, his family, his friends, his country and would gladly take a bullet for any of it. He has a heart of gold that few people get a chance to see. Things happen to us. We still manage to have fun together. And I never know what to expect from him. To say he keeps me on my toes is an understatement. But I love him for it all.
We were blessed with Elijah on February 14, 2003. (MY SWEETHEART) He is a quirky, complex combination of both of us. But he’s far excelled us. He’s witty, bright and full of comedy. Elijah has a heart - a large heart. He’s sensitive and sweet but he’s also ALL boy. He wants so many things in his life and I hope and pray he achieves them all. To sum Elijah up in one sentence would be impossible. He’s always there to remind me of what’s really important in life: him. I’ve never been able to fool this child. He doesn’t ask a question, allow me to give a simple answer and move on. He’s inquisitive. I remember him asking me the typical question, “why is the sky blue, momma?” I don’t remember my answer but it was something mundane and simple. He smacked his lips and said “Let’s Google that. We might need to double check your answer.” That’s when I realized I might have gotten more than I bargained for with him.
Then there is Jonah. You won’t hear any funny stories about him. Jonah left us on August 6, 2009, from many congenital heart defects. Our world was shattered and turned upside down once he was gone. Elijah was 6 and only wanted a little brother. That’s all he wanted. We tried and tried (and I’m not going into that) and we had Jonah. People say the strangest things to you when you lose a child and I don’t know what possesses them to do that. I register it all, remember that person and have learned who my true friends are. The most amazing thing was “such is life…things happen.” And a sympathetic shrug. No, no, no. CHD’s are a horrible thing and while they do just happen, it’s not something to take lightly. It’s left us empty. We cry. We scream. We love unconditionally. We know that life is precious. We learned a huge life lesson in 17 days that many people will never learn in their lifetime. But it’s not for me to teach. I am blessed. Blessed, blessed, blessed. For the people that wallow in their own self-pity and can’t see their blessings, I am sorry.
Our life is unintentionally heartbreaking, crazy, funny and blessed but it’s also our life with an only child.
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