I often do not admit how strong I really am. I’ve come to realize that tears do not make you weak, sadness does not make you weak. Thriving when you really don’t want to is a sign of strength. And what I mean by thriving is walking out the door each day, fixing dinner for your family, helping your son with his homework, spending time with my family - just basically functioning. I used to say “if it wasn’t for Elijah…” That’s not true. It’s not fair to put that much pressure on Elijah. He is a grounded, well-rounded little boy. We’ve taught him what we thought was best about Jonah. He understands it. We’ve also taught him that at any time he can talk about Jonah, he can cry for him, he can be mad that he’s not here. It’s all okay in the grieving process. He’s only 7 and it breaks my heart that he had to learn how to grieve. But such is his life.
I went to his parent-teacher conference. Straight-A’s. His reading level has increased. His math level is superb. He’s a great student and she enjoys having him in her class. Then the conference took a more serious note. She looked at me and said “Elijah did cry about Jonah one day.” I shrugged, and thought I cry everyday for Jonah. She explained that he did it privately to himself and she consoled him. This should have been the end of the parent-teacher conference for me. But then she suggested counseling with the elementary school counselor and she immediately apologized once she saw my face.
Our stance has always been this - if Elijah needs counseling, we will get it for him, preferably with a Christian background. We do want to monitor who discusses death with our son. This is a private family matter and we prefer to discuss it with Elijah ourselves. Elijah has not been acting out, not sleeping, having nightmares, drawing weird pictures, appearing depressed, not eating, etc. The doctors that took care of Jonah told us what to watch for with Elijah - and to always keep Jonah as an open conversation. And he is. We are all on this journey together and we grieve together. Elijah has asked questions and we answer them. Overall, he has adjusted to his life without Jonah. I hope and pray that Elijah always grieves Jonah. I pray that he never forgets him and can always cry for him. People can criticize us for the way we have handled Elijah in regards to Jonah. In fact, they have. Please take note: until you are forced to take this path, do not offer your advice or toss your criticism around. While I’m sure people believe they can handle it better or differently, we are doing the best parenting we know how to do given what we’ve been handed.
Elijah has his eyes wide open through this whole process. He is not filtered. He always lets his mind go to the baby brother he will never get to torture or teach new things to. For Elijah, my heart grieves, too.
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